


Several Starbucks trips later...

by idk_books



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Coffee, Coffee Shops, Cookies, F/F, Fluff, Picnics, Slow Build, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-15
Updated: 2020-06-05
Packaged: 2021-03-02 17:27:08
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 9,011
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24200554
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/idk_books/pseuds/idk_books
Summary: Zoe Murphy is just trying to keep head down and get through senior year as she still tries to deal with the events that stemmed from her brother's death the previous year. Alana Beck is also trying to move on but takes a chance on trying to reconnect with Zoe and sparks a friendship that's built on Starbucks and cookies and the undercurrent of it all being something more.
Relationships: Alana Beck/Zoe Murphy, Evan Hansen/Connor Murphy, Evan Hansen/Zoe Murphy
Comments: 2
Kudos: 21





	1. An Unexpected Text

**Author's Note:**

> I think I took quite a few liberties here and I don't feel that I quite did the characters justice... it's just some more gay fluff that got longer than I anticipated but I did enjoy writing it!

Zoe Murphy was hiding from her parents, and the world, in her bedroom. She was sprawled on her bed, book in hand and surrounded by the clutter that brought with it a bizarre sense of comfort. She was stunned out of this book-induced haze by the ping of her phone. It wasn’t often that her phone pinged. After the (slightly fraudulent) international campaign that had been lauched in her brother Connor’s memory, she’d consciously and deliberately drifted away from her friends. She felt - rightly or wrongly - defined by Connor’s death and had decided that by minimising her contact with the people who’d known her as someone with a brother, she’d escape his legacy. It wasn’t that she wanted to forget him, more that she was hoping to forget all the other stuff that his death had brought, especially Evan.

The text was from Alana Beck. She’d never had much to do with Alana before Connor; she was in his grade, not hers. Even after Connor, Alana stayed on the periphery of her awareness and she struggled to recall the interactions they’d had, if any. This text was something new entirely.

****\- Hey! It’s Alana (Beck). I know we never spoke much before but I wondered if you wanted to grab a coffee some time?** **

Zoe stared at her phone. This was unexpected. She hadn’t seen Alana in months, not since the project. Alana and Evan were close - she knew that; they’d set up the project together but when it all ended she’d stopped having anything to do with it, or them. Zoe had often suspected that Alana had been the real driving force behind it. Evan was always so nervous; he needed an Alana to push him forward. She’d never really thought about what it must have been like for Alana to discover that the thing she’d poured so much into had been a lie. Zoe still struggled to get her head round Evan having faked an entire friendship and making up emailed interactions between him and Connor. Out of curiosity - both to find out Alana how Alana was and how Alana was - she sent back,

\- Hey! Yeah, sure. Tomorrow? Starbucks?

The reply was almost instantaneous,

****\- Great. 11am?** **

\- See you then :)

And it was arranged.

***

Alana had regretted texting Zoe the moment the message had left her phone. Her anxiety had been abated slightly by the rapid response but she still wasn’t quite sure what had possessed her to reach out and even less sure of what was going to come next. Zoe was a nice person though she reasoned: that was probably why she’d said yes. Hopefully her niceness would extend to their meeting although Alana worried that Zoe still had every right to be pissed with her, so this coffee could prove to be Zoe’s chance to finally confront her about the role that she had played in the project. Alana desperately tried to not to think about that possibility - it was too late now - but it was the one consistently at the forefront of her mind as the clock ticked forward towards their coffee date.

***

Much like Alana, Zoe tried not to think too much about the upcoming get-together and what it could bring. She didn’t want to do anything to rake up the past and yet she’d always regretted not getting to know Alana better. That opportunity was now here and she couldn’t help but feel nervous so she sought comfort in her guitar, losing the remainder of the evening in its music. She didn’t mention the text or the proposed meeting to anyone, least of all her parents. They’d settled into the routine of simply existing within the same four walls rather than actually living together. She did briefly wonder what Alana was doing in town; it was September and she’d thought Alana would have been very much settled into her new college, which was no doubt Ivy League.

The following morning - a Saturday - she rolled out of bed at 10:30am after ignoring her Mom’s repeated summons to breakfast. She half-heartedly pulled on the clothes that lay crumpled on the floor, grabbed her phone, wallet and keys and left the house without a word to the rest of her family who were making an obvious point of starting the day together.

Alana was already sat at a table scrolling through her phone and picking at a croissant. She looked up and caught Zoe’s eye as she stepped through the door. Zoe pointed at the counter to indicate that she was going to order. Alana tried hard not to stare at the queue as Zoe progressed along it at a painfully slow rate. Eventually she arrived back at the table with an enormous cappuccino and a pain au chocolat.

“Woke up late,” she said pointing at the pastry, “skipped the family breakfast.”

“Me too, I mean, I woke up late as well. How are your parents?” Alana asked, speaking too quickly and laying her phone face down on the table.

“Oh, erm, you know they’re good. They go to the orchard a lot, couple’s therapy too. They’re basically professional grieving parents now,” Zoe laughed.

“And how are you? How’s senior year?”

“It’s good. Quiet, you know. Just keeping my head down, working on that GPA,” Zoe nodded as she spoke. “How’s college? Which school did you end up going to?”

Alana looked uncomfortable and picked up and checked her notification-less phone, “Well, I, er… didn’t go. Just with everything… I, er, ended up deferring.”

If Zoe was surprised, she hid it well, “Oh cool. That explains why you were around to meet. I thought you’d be miles away by now,” she said, “So, what are you up to at the moment?”

“You know, taking a couple of classes at the community college, trying to find a job. The usual post-High school thing.” 

“Cool, cool,” Zoe took a bite of her pain au chocolat, hoping Alan didn’t notice the spray of flakes flying everywhere. “So, why did you want to meet? We never really, like, properly hung out before.”

“No. And I’m sorry about that,” Alana said, neatly folding her napkin and laying it on her empty plate.

“It’s ok. We were in different grades. It’s not like our paths ever really crossed.”

“But, you know, with everything that happened last year with the Project, I should have reached out sooner.”

“Honestly, it’s fine. But why now?” Zoe asked.

Alana looked uncomfortable again. She hadn’t really looked comfortable the entire time she’d been sat there, “Evan’s doing classes at the community college too. And I hadn’t seen him since, you know… and seeing him reminded me that you were still ‘out there’ and I thought I’d check-in, see how you were doing with it all.”

“Thank-you, that, that’s really erm,” Zoe felt her cheeks reddening, “sweet.”

“It’s not weird?”

“I mean, it is a bit but in a nice way,” Zoe said, stirring what was left of her coffee.

“And I guess I wanted to be able to apologise properly so. I’m sorry, for everything that happened,” Alana was still speaking alarmingly quickly.

“It’s ok.”

“I really am… sorry, that is.”

“It’s not like any of it was your fault anyway,” Zoe smiled generously, “Seriously Alana, I really appreciate it though. But I’m just trying not to think about any of it now, you know? I just want to get through this year and then to college where I won’t be the dead kid’s sister anymore.”

“I understand and I’m sorry to, you know, dredge it all up but I’m glad you’re ok,” Alana stood up, checking her phone before sliding it into her pocket. “You know, if you ever want any help with those college essays, you’ve got my number.”

“Thanks,” Zoe said then noticed that Alana was stood up, “Wait. Are you leaving?”

“Er, yeah, I was going to…”

“No, stay a bit longer,” Zoe smiled, “I haven’t finished my coffee and I forgot my book so I could use the company.”

“Oh, ok, “Alana smiled broadly, “Let me, let me just get another coffee.”

It was now the turn of Alana to wait awkwardly in the queue as Zoe waited awkwardly at the table. Eventually Alana sat back down with another coffee, “This is nice, if a bit weird. I don’t get to see people much other than for classes so it’s nice to just hang out.”

Zoe blinked before she remembered to respond, “Ok. That’s cool. I mean, it’ll be nice actually to have just a normal chat.”

“Are people still..?”

“Oh yes,” Zoe interrupted

“So. What book are you reading? The one you forgot to bring with you?”

“Oh. Nothing, it’s stupid.”

“I’m sure it’s not.”

“I’m just re-reading the books I, we,” she corrected, “used to love as kids.”

“You and Connor?” Alana asked over the rim of her coffee cup.

“Yeah.”

“Sorry… I didn’t mean to… again…”

“It’s fine.” Zoe took a final sip of her coffee, determined to steer the conversation away from her and Connor, “So what classes are you taking at community college?”

And with this question, Zoe opened up the flood-gates for Alana to enthuse at length about various political theories and the insight community college was bringing. They both managed to survive the rest of the conversation in a polite, amicable fashion with them both steering elegantly around any further mention of Evan or Connor.

***

It was a week after the Starbucks trip and the book was failing at its task of sustaining Zoe’s attention. Her mind wandered and then skipped back to the unexpected coffee date with Alana and the somewhat surreal nature of their interaction. Despite it being unexpected and a bit odd, she realised that she enjoyed it. Alana was nice to talk to with her genuine enthusiasm for everything. Since seeing her, she’d found something had kept playing on her mind, a thought that talking about Evan and Connor had unearthed, but she found Alana was the one she wanted to talk to about it. Impulsively she sent her a text.

\- I don’t think I ever really believed E was friends with C

Alana was actually studying and fully engrossed in her text book when Zoe’s text arrived. She, like Zoe, had been thinking about their coffee date and was wondering how she could facilitate another meeting. Then Zoe’s text arrived. It wasn’t quite the invitation she was hoping for and she realised that - whatever this conversation was to be - it wasn’t one to be had over text.

****\- Do you want me to call you?** **

Alana’s response was immediate which was unsurprising considering how attached she was to her phone.

\- Ok.

Zoe sent back and sat up in bed in anticipation. Just as she’d adjusted her pillows, her phone rang.

“Hi, Zoe,” Alana whispered.

“Wow. That was quick,” Zoe found herself whispering back.

“Sorry I’m whispering, I don’t want to wake my parents up.”

“That’s ok,” Zoe found herself smiling to herself at the image of Alana huddled under a blanket having this conversation.

“I hope it’s not too late?”

“No, of course, it’s fine. I mean, I was the one who texted you.”

“True,” the pause between them was heavy, “Zoe, are you ok?” Alana said at last.

“Yeah, yes,” Zoe said hurriedly, “I’m sorry I texted it’s just. I’ve never said this, never said it out loud, but I want to and I…I’m not sure that I ever truly believed that Evan was friends with Connor.”

“Ok,” Alana prompted.

“I mean, the only time I saw them together, Connor was a complete jerk to Evan and then he came over the first time, he seemed so nervous, like there was something he needed to say but we never really let him and then… then I guess it just became easy to believe him. Easy to believe that Connor could be this whole other person.”

“I think I get that.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. Like a friendship between Connor and Evan would seem implausible but Evan made it seem plausible because we let him.”

“You believed him too,” Zoe wasn’t accusing Alana, merely stating a fact.

“Yes. It never occurred to me not to at the time. I didn’t know either of them that well so I didn’t have anything to disprove it.”

“I guess that’s the same for me. I mean, I knew Connor but it always felt that there were so many gaps he wouldn’t let me fill so I guess it became easy to believe that Evan could be one of those gaps,” she smiled to herself, “even though that was such a ridiculous idea. Anyway, I should probably let you… Thank-you for listening.”

“Anytime.”

“Thanks, Alana.”

“Goodnight Zoe.”


	2. When You Put it Like That

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alana and Zoe continue to drink coffee. They start opening up to each other even more and Alana encourages Zoe to start facing the world again.

Alana was bored and frustrated at college. Her classes hadn’t quite been what she’d expected and most of her professors seemed apathetic at best. She was in the library pretending to study but in reality she was on her phone, scrolling through Instagram. Seeing all of the artful shots of people’s coffee orders as Starbucks launched its fall range reminded her of Zoe and the conversation they’d had the other day. It didn’t take much internal dialogue for her to decide to check-in.

****\- Hope you’re ok. Do you want to go for coffee soon?** **

The text arrived in AP English lit and Zoe had to move quickly to avoid having her phone confiscated and ending up in detention. She was able to reply at lunchtime from her usual hide-out in the library. She usually hid in there despite the frequent enquiries from her old friends of her whereabouts and entreaties to sit back at her old table. She hadn’t sat at their usual table for months.

\- Yeah, ok. After school? Starbucks?

She sent back and then returned to her book, finding herself quietly excited for the end

***

By 3:30pm, they were back in Starbucks at the table that they were both quietly referring to as _their_ table. Alana had been the first to arrive and Zoe wandered in a few moments later, startling Alana out of her Twitter bubble.

“Hey!”

“Hey!” Alana grinned back.

“You ok?” Zoe asked, sitting down opposite her.

“Yeah, I’m good. I just wanted to see if you were alright after our phone call. And I was bored,” Alana said, laying her phone back on the table.

“Happy to try and alleviate your boredom,” Zoe laughed and set her phone next to Alana’s.

“What do you want?” Alana asked, standing up suddenly.

“Huh?” Zoe frowned back.

“To drink? I’ll get them. You can… read your book for a bit.”

“Oh, er, a cappuccino please,” Zoe said and fished her book out of her bag and started to read. The queue was long, full of kids from school and one or two teachers so it was a while until Alana made it back to her with two venti cappuccinos and an obnoxiously large cookie.

“Are you less bored yet?” Zoe asked, blowing gently on her coffee.

“I mean, the queue wasn’t the most exciting thing in the world but I do think this cookie just might be the answer to all of my problems.” and she split it in two, handing a piece to Zoe.

“Mine too!” Zoe held her half of her cookie out towards Alana and they knocked them together like carb-based champagne glasses. “Did you have college today?”

“No, not today. I just spent the day searching through what felt like the whole of the internet for a job.”

Zoe grimaced sympathetically, “Did you have any luck?”

“No, sadly not yet.”

“That reminds me, how much do I owe you for the coffee and half the cookie?” Zoe said, reaching for her wallet.

“Oh, nothing,” Alana wafted the clump of bills Zoe offered away, “This is on me. Honestly, I’m just grateful for the company.”

“Well next time it’s on me,” Zoe said and immediately regretted the presumptuousness of this remark.

“I’ll remember that,” Alana responded enthusiastically, thrilled at the prospect of a next time. “How was school?”

“Oh, you know, school was school. Fighting to pay attention in incredibly dull classes and hiding out in the library at every available opportunity.”

“I remember it well,” Alana said.

“You were a library-mole too?”

Alana looked confused, “A library-mole?”

“Sorry, no-one’s ever said that before. Don’t know where that came from.” Zoe blushed, “Sorry.”

They both giggled nervously.

“I think that’s why I got so involved in the project,” Alana said after a moment, “Something to get me out of the library. A chance to really do something.”

“But you were always doing extra-curriculars,” Zoe said, breaking off a piece of her cookie, “I remember Evan telling me about how dedicated you were to everything. I think even Connor said something once.”

Alana sighed, “That was just for college… and because I didn’t have much else. The project was something that was actually real. More so than any of the other stuff I ever did. It sucks that it was false…”

“Connor’s death was real though.” Zoe said quietly.

Alana looked panic-stricken, “Oh God. I’m so sorry.”

“It’s fine. Can we? Can we just talk about something else?”

“Yes. Of course. I’m so sorry,” Alana said, still flustered.

“Really it’s fine,” Zoe said emphatically. “What kind of job have you been looking for?”

“I was really hoping for something in politics, even local politics but well… I’m hoping to get an interview at Target.”

“Target can be very political.”

Alana laughed, “Do you have a job?” she asked.

“Er, no. My parents are very generous with their allowances so… And I was also super busy with Jazz Band,” Zoe said.

“Was?” Alana asked.

“Yeah. I haven’t gone this semester,” Zoe spoke through a mouthful of cookie. “I still play but just on my own now.”

“It’s not good to shut yourself off from everyone,” Alana said gently.

“I know but… well, they all think Connor was this amazing kid - the face of an international kindness movement - and it’s sometimes a bit too difficult to go along with that when you know the truth, really know the truth especially when I just carry on… just being me.”

“Hey, don’t say that! You’re great and you’re completely your own person.” Alana took a sip of her coffee, “but I get it. It’s a lot to carry around with you.”

“Sorry,” Zoe said, tearing at the corner of her napkin. “I said I didn’t want to talk about and there I was… talking about it.”

“I guess it’s hard not to.”

“Yeah. He’s still kind of everywhere,” she murmured.

“He is… was… your brother.”

“Yeah,” Zoe took a long sip of her coffee, “So. Why politics?”

“So I can make a difference,” Alana said simply.

“Lots of things can make a difference.”

“But real change needs to come from the top.”

Zoe raised an eyebrow, “And that’s where you want to be?”

“It’s an ambition… dream…” she corrected.

“It’s good to have dreams, or ambitions.”

“What about you? What are your dreams?” Or ambitions?” Alana reached for the last piece of her cookie.

“Oh, I don’t know,” Zoe shrugged. “To just get out of here I guess.”

“Where would you go?”

“Anywhere. Somewhere bigger. More anonymous,” Zoe mused.

“It’d like that too, to start over somewhere, completely afresh. I’d really love to just, you know, completely rebrand myself.”

“You don’t need to do that. I think your current brand’s pretty great,” Zoe smiled.

“Thanks,” Alana looked embarrassed, “Have you thought much about college?” she asked.

“Not as much as I feel I should, or my parents think I should.”

“Well, if it makes you feel any better, I started thinking about college in middle school and it clearly didn’t help,” Alana said wistfully.

“Don’t say that. You’ve just taken a year out,” Zoe said sympathetically. “Lots of people do that and besides, it’s got to be worth it for the chance to get to know me,” she teased.

“Definitely,” Alana agreed. “You know it has been really great hanging out. I wish I’d done it sooner.”

“Me too but we both had stuff going on… It’s good it’s finally happened.”

“Agreed,” and they clinked their empty coffee cups together.

“Do you want another cookie half?” Zoe asked, standing up.

“Definitely.”

Zoe grabbed her wallet and headed to the counter, grinning mischievously in Alana’s direction.

***

They were in Starbucks again the following Saturday. It was starting to feel like a predictable - but nice - routine. A routine that included texts and the frequent exchange of memes.

“Don’t forget it’s my turn to buy!” Zoe reminded Alana as they headed inside. They’d arrived at the same time leading to that awkward moment where two people who are getting increasingly comfortable in each other’s company via text but are still unsure of each other in real life are unclear how to great one another. The resulting hug was less of an embrace, more of a collision of two bodies.

“How was the rest of your week?” Alana asked when Zoe got back to their table.

“It was fine. I… er… went back to jazz band,” she said hesitantly.

Alana lit up, “You did! That’s great.”

“It’s all thanks to you,” Zoe said, somewhat awkwardly.

“Really?”

“Yeah,” Zoe nodded, making direct eye contact. “What you said about not cutting yourself off. It made me think and well, I always liked jazz band and I still do, it would seem. And it gets me out of the library.”

“I’ll drink to that,” Alana said and they clinked their cappuccino cups together.

“Anyway, how was the rest of your week?” Zoe said, after wiping the cappuccino foam from her mouth.

“Excellent!” Alana said.

“Really?”

“No. I just thought it if I said it with enough conviction, I’d believe it,” Alana laughed. “I did get a job at Target though.”

“Nailed it,” Zoe grinned. “I should have got us a cookie to celebrate. Or even two cookies.”

“Let’s save the cookies for when I get a job I actually want.”

“Fair enough. You’re gonna take it though?”

“Yes, of course. Anything to break up the monotony of my life at the moment.”

“Well, congratulations! I’m happy for you,” and Zoe raised her cup in Alana’s direction.

They drank their coffee in silence, the awkwardness between them dissipating with every sip. Zoe noticed that - despite the silence - Alana hadn’t reached for phone and Zoe also didn’t feel the need to grab her book; she was just happy in Alana’s company. This sense of ease with another person was something she hadn’t experienced in a long time. After a while, her enjoyment of the silence gave way to her oddly fearful curiosity that had sprung itself on her.

“So. Is there anyone special in your life?” Zoe said suddenly.

“What?” Alana nearly spat her coffee across the table.

“Do you have an Evan?” Zoe corrected.

“What someone to pretend to be friends with my dead brother in order to seduce me?” Alana said, speaking without thinking.

“Harsh,” Zoe said, slightly taken aback.

“Sorry. But no. Nobody special.”

“Ok. Cool,” Zoe said, feeling inexplicably and quietly delighted, “sorry for bringing it up…”

Alana smiled, “It’s fine. What about you?”

Zoe spluttered, “Nope. I’m done with boys,” causing Alana to feel the same thrill that Zoe had.

The slipped back into the friendly silence, sipping their coffee and giving into genuine smiles whenever their eyes met.

“I wonder if it’s all my fault,” Alana said eventually, giving voice to the fear that had been plaguing her for a while.

“Wonder if what’s your fault?” Zoe asked.

“The project, you know,” Alana swallowed, “How big it got and if that helped Evan get so carried away.”

“You didn’t decide to fake a best friend though,” Zoe whispered.

Alana smiled weakly, “No. At least I didn’t do that.”

“Seriously, Alana, don’t beat yourself up,“ Zoe leaned forward looking earnestly across at Alana, “You have no reason to feel guilt or anything other than pride for the legacy you created.”

“Do you really think that?” Alana was surprised both by Zoe’s words and the tears that she found were in her eyes.

“I do. If it wasn’t for you, nothing good would have come from Connor… Connor’s death.It really was amazing. But,” Zoe sat back in her chair, “I honestly think I was relieved though when it all came out. Evan painted a picture of this genuinely lovely guy who I never knew even though I lived with him my whole life and I felt like I’d missed out on so much. And it was like I just didn’t deserve to know the ‘nice Connor’”

“Zoe, you’ll always deserve to know the nicest version of every person,” Alana began.

“So when it turned out ‘nice Connor’ wasn’t real…” Zoe continued.

“It was a relief,” Alana finished.

“It sounds really horrible. I really wanted to believe that Connor could be this lovely, genuine, funny guy who climbed trees and wrote emails. But I didn’t like to think that I was the one that he couldn’t be nice to. Is that really selfish?”

“No. Not when you put it like that.”

“I never thought I’d say this,” Zoe said, fiddling with her bracelets, “but it’s good to talk about him again, the real Connor. Try and rebuild those memories and start to heal.”

“That’s so good to hear,” Alana said smiling at Zoe until she met her gaze at last.


	3. Now Have a Cookie and Shut Up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alana inadvertently reveals a truth that completely throws Zoe and it takes a picnic in a special place to rebuild their relationship as they both start to question what this 'relationship' really is.

It was after school and Zoe and Alana were in Starbucks yet again with the remnants of their coffees and shared muffin left between them. Zoe’s book was in her bag and Alana’s phone was in her pocket.

“Do your parents know?” Alana asked after they’d exchanged formalities and stories of their respective days.

“That I’ve been seeing you?”

“No, well that too but I mean, about the emails?”

Zoe quietly tapped the table with her fingers, “Yes they know. Evan told us all together.”

“That must have been a lot.”

“It was.”

“And they never said anything?” Alana frowned, “Or got the emails taken down?”

Zoe shook her head, “They could see all the good it was doing and they didn’t want to be responsible for all that going away. Besides, my parents loved Evan. It was like they were looking for a replacement for Connor, a way of trying to fix their mistakes, I guess. He was nothing like Connor but he was just as broken but unlike Connor, he seemed ready to be fixed. And I guess they thought that if they told the truth, they, they ran the risk of undoing it all, of it all happening.”

“Your parents really are something,” Alana said quietly.

“I guess they are in a way,” Zoe said with a slight note of pride in her voice. “I mean, even after all the shit we got when ‘the note’ was put up, they still never said anything.”

Alana swallowed, “You got shit for that?”

“Oh yeah,” Zoe chuckled, “People on the internet are just delightful,” she said, her voice heavy with sarcasm.

“I had no idea… I’m so sorry.”

“It’s ok. Evan never should have posted it but… it’s done now,” Zoe said with finality.

Alana fiddled with one of her braids and looked over Zoe’s shoulder out the window.

Zoe took in Alana’s silence, the discomfort in her movements and she slowly realised the truth in what must have happened.

“Evan wasn’t the one who posted it was he? It was you?”

“I’m sorry,” Alana said quietly now snapping the case on and off her phone.

Zoe felt a sense of panic rising in her her chest and starting to clutch at her throat. “Jesus,” she muttered and without really thinking, she picked up her bag and stood up.

“What are you doing?” Alana was almost pleading, “Please don’t go.”

“I’m.. I’ve… I just need a minute,” Zoe stammered, “Erm, I’ll see you around, Alana.” and she left.

Alana let her head flop into her hands cursing herself inwardly. Of course Zoe wouldn’t have realised she was the one to post the note. And… and Zoe was mentioned in the note so she’d opened up the door for people to direct their hate in her direction. And now Zoe knew it was all her fault.

***

Over the next week, Zoe tried not to think of Alana and what her revelation meant. She practised her guitar, read loads and actually spoke to her parents much to their obvious surprise. She even ventured back to her old table in the canteen. Her friends allowed her to pick up from where they’d left off, no questions asked. They were real friends, the ones who’d been there since grade school, not just someone who jumped on the dead kid band wagon. But still Alana would swim back into her mind but these memories didn’t bring anger as she expected but rather strange pangs of loss. She hadn’t heard from her, and although she hoped she would, she hadn’t really expected to. She was the one who’d abandoned things so abruptly and had managed to engineer a situation that didn’t invite Alana’s reaching out. She knew it was something that needed to be fixed; she was really starting to miss her and the coffee and the company and besides, she believed that Alana really wasn’t a horrible person and did not in anyway deserve this vilification. Zoe knew she had over-reacted and she was desperate to put it right. So she sent a text.

\- Can we meet?

In the meantime, Alana was at college and feeling very similarly to Zoe; she missed her company and the company and the connection she’d found with her. She was still beating herself up for the part she’d played in the schism that now existed between them and was beginning to fear it was irreparable so the text caused an audible sigh of relief and - disregarding the disapproving look of her professor - she replied. She had to try hard to keep her reply casual and restrained when really she wanted to gush in excitement and relief.

****\- Hi! Yes! It’s good to hear from you :)** **

Alana was expecting a predictable coffee-date so Zoe’s speedy response took her by surprise. But it was a nice surprise.

\- Picnic in the orchard? Saturday?

****\- Sounds good. Midday?** **

\- See you then :)

The exchange was brief but signified incalculable relief to the both of them.

***

Saturday brought with it the perfect weather. Zoe suspected it was the last good weekend before the weather turned as they headed towards winter and she was quietly proud of her suggestion to meet at The Orchard. The parking lot had a few cars in it but she was hopeful it wouldn’t get too busy. This was where she found Alana and strange flutterings in her stomach took up residence that were both indicative of nerves and something altogether more complex. Alana smiled broadly as Zoe approached, “This makes a change from Starbucks.” she said as she looked around at their expansive surroundings.

“I thought it was time we stopped allowing corporations to take all our money,” Zoe grinned back.

“Well, I’ve got a tonne of food so we won’t be hungry!”

“Awesome! My mom’s on a health kick so my options were limited” Zoe replied, “but I have got this charming rug.” She indicated the tartan bundle tucked under her arm.

“Do you know a good spot?” Alana asked as they headed towards the gate.

“Oh, I know all the good spots,” Zoe declared, “When it opened, my Mom would make us come here every weekend.”

“Not anymore?”

“I got stubborn,” Zoe said, her face darkened slightly and indicating that that was the end of that conversation thread. “Let’s go, before all the other families turn up.” and Zoe strode off purposefully, avoiding conversation until they were settled and leaving Alana to struggle along behind her juggling an overflowing bag of food and the phone that she was yet to put in her pocket.

Zoe spread the rug out on the ground. There wasn’t much shade as the trees had barely had a chance to start growing but the corner she’d chosen was quiet, the entrance barely visible. Alana sat down next to her and started to efficiently unpack the picnic. Zoe gently caught her wrist, “Hang on, wait. There’s something I need to say.”

Alana paused, and looked at Zoe’s hand on her wrist, “You don’t need to say anything. I’m just glad to be here,” she said.

“No, I do. Please,” Zoe smiled and let go of Alana’s wrist, “just let me.”

“Ok,” Alana was confused, almost to the point of concern but allowed Zoe to speak, already anticipating what she was about to say.

“I’m really sorry for just storming off like that last week. It was stupid,” she began, speaking more to the ground than to Alana, “I guess I was just taken by surprise which doesn’t really make sense as who else would have posted it? But I know you were just doing what you thought was for the best. You didn’t want Connor to be forgotten. So I’m really sorry. It’s been really great hanging out and I don’t want to spoil that.” Zoe was picking at the grass as she spoke and carefully braiding the blades together.

“And I don’t want to either,” Alana said. “But you haven’t spoilt anything, “she smiled kindly, “I’m sorry. When I posted the note, when I posted any of the letters, I didn’t really think of you and your parents. I just wanted to make sure people didn’t forget. I didn’t think anyone would be anything other than kind.”

“No. I know. You were just doing your best and you did a really good job. I mean,” Zoe gestured around her, “look at this place. You did this.”

“I know. It’s so beautiful, isn’t it?”

“It really is,” Zoe murmured.

“Anyway. Can I unpack the rest of the food?” Alana said, already reaching for the cooler.

“Please do. I’m starving,” Zoe reached for her bag and set out some cookies and cans of soda.

“Cookies! Are we celebrating?”

“Yes,” Zoe grinned, “I’ve got my friend back.” and she handed Alana her grass creation.

“Is this a friendship bracelet?”

“Yes, I wanted to make it official,” and Zoe deftly tied it around Alana’s wrist.

“So we’re friends?” Alana teased but wondering if this bracelet was going to put a lid on the extent of their relationship, whatever it was.

“Yes. You’re stuck with me now,” Zoe said and shoved a cookie an Alana’s hand, “Now have a cookie and shut up.”

***

They were now meeting virtually every day. Mostly in Starbucks but sometimes in other coffee shops or at each other’s homes. They both enjoyed snooping in each other’s bedrooms and gleaning more of an insight into the life of their friend. Alana’s room was meticulously well organised with shelves full of books and folders and binders. Zoe almost felt like she was messing it up just by being there. Alana clearly didn’t think that with her tray of snacks and concerns over her choice in music and worries that Zoe would notice the grass bracelet pinned to her notice board. There was something about Alana’s almost shameless earnestness that was so endearing. That and the way she always lay her phone face down whenever she spoke to Zoe. And how she looked directly into her eyes, something few people did nowadays. She found herself spending an increasing amount of time organising and tidying her thoughts on Alana so that they would resemble Alana’s room and trying to make sense of them all.

When they were at Zoe’s, her parents were polite towards Alana but they mostly left them to their own devices - when they were even at home. Zoe got used to hastily kicking clothes and books under her bed when she welcomed Alana into her room.

“Sorry, I don’t have your impressive tray of snacks but we could order pizza?” Zoe apologised as Alana made herself comfortable on her bed.

“You read my mind!” and Alana - for once - reached for her phone so they could order.

“I saw Evan today,” Alana said; they were lying on Zoe’s floor surrounded by pizza boxes, a sense of pleasant fullness had settled over them.

Zoe sat up, “I thought you saw him all the time at college?” she said.

“No, not really. We take different classes but we happened to bump into each other.”

“Oh?”

“We went for coffee,” Alana said, sitting up next to Zoe.

Zoe swallowed, her voice tense when she spoke, “How was it? How was he?

“He was fine, good even. He’s still a good guy.”

“I know,” Zoe said staring ahead.

“Things just got out of control,” Alana continued.

“I know.”

“He wants to see you,” Alana said, turning to look at Zoe.

“He said that?” Zoe asked, returning the gaze.

“Not exactly but I could tell.”

“You could tell?”

“I told him I’d been seeing you and he went all… wistful you know?”

“Oh,” Zoe picked at the cuffs of her jeans, gently fraying the edges.

“Have I said something wrong?” Alana asked, putting down her can of coke.

“No, not at all. It’s just weird to think about him just existing, you know? When Evan and I got together, I thanked him for giving me Connor - my brother - back. But actually, I think he took him away.” She looked at Alana, “I know Evan’s not a bad guy, he never was and I know he genuinely never wanted to hurt or upset anyone and, and I saw how cut up he was when he told us and it all came out but, it’s still a lot to get over.”

“I know,” Alana took Zoe’s hand and gave it a squeeze. Zoe rested her head on Alana’s shoulders and they stayed like that until Zoe’s mom knocked on the door to remind them that it was a school night and Alana should probably be getting home.

***

A matter of days later, after another takeaway had been demolished, they were sprawled on Alana’s floor this time.

“How are your college friends? Are they nice?” Zoe asked as they both did battle with another food enduced coma. Zoe had kicked off her shoes and Alana was wearing pyjama bottoms and they lay among the remnants of their dinner.

Alana shifted onto her side so she could see Zoe, “they’re ok. I wouldn’t say we were properly friends but they’re friendly enough to sit with before and during class.”

“That’s good,” Zoe smiled, “Why don’t you invite them to Starbucks some time? We could expand our group,” she asked, hoping she knew what the answer would be.

“Why don’t you invite your friends?” Alana retorted.

“Touché”

“Sorry!” Alana exclaimed, “It’s a nice idea. We could but I like it just being the two of us, sorry if that’s weird.” As Alana said this, Zoe turned away so she couldn’t see just how happy this response made her. “And besides,” Alana continued, “there’s such a range of them. Lots of them have kids and nobody wants to hang out with a baby.”

“Oh, no!” Nobody wants that,” Zoe rolled over to face Alana, “But you’re enjoying it though.”

“Yes, the classes are interesting enough. But I enjoy hanging out with you more.”

“Glad to hear it,” Zoe playfully poked Alana’s leg with her foot to draw attention from the flush on her cheeks. Alana felt her pulse quicken at the sensation on her calf but Zoe was oblivious. “I really like hanging out too; it’s become the highlight of my week.”

Alana couldn’t help but allow her face to break into an enormous grin, “Do you think you’ve got room for ice cream? There’s some in the freezer.”

“Always,” and as Alana left, Zoe found herself feeling strangely empty at the absence of her friend next to her.


	4. We Need Each Other

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Zoe and Alana reconsider the nature of their friendship.

“I sometimes find myself thinking that the great plot twist would be that Evan was in love with Connor,” Zoe mused.

“Really?” Alana said, her head turning suddenly to look at Zoe.

They were in Alana’s room again. Zoe had come over straight after jazz band but now it was 10:30pm. They’d ordered Chinese food and watched a movie. The movie was now over but neither of them wanted to move from the nest of pillows they’d constructed on the floor.

“Yeah. I thought it would be weirdly cute. And it would have made sense. Connor being so angry because he was gay, you know?”

“Do you think being gay makes you angry?” Alana asked quietly.

“I don’t know. Maybe. If it’s not quite who you want to be. Or who you think you want to be… Anyway, then Evan kissed me in my dead brother’s bedroom and I realised I was probably wrong about the whole secret relationship thing.”

“He could be bi,” Alana reasoned.

“But I think even for Evan, it would have been a bit much for him to go for his dead boyfriend’s sister.”

“That would have been a lot,” Alana agreed.

“Have you seen him again? At college?”

“Once or twice. We sometimes have a class in rooms next door to each other so we sometimes wait together. He’s doing well, I think.”

“That’s good.”

“Why do you keep asking about him?”

Zoe paused, figuring how best to respond and closing her eyes before speaking to escape Alana’s patient gaze, “I guess I worry about him. What he did was… unacceptable… but realising that he was the one that had written the note and the place that that must have come from. I guess I just hope he’s not ended up back in that place.”

Alana patted her knee, “You don’t need to worry, Zoe. He’s doing great. I honestly think last year was the making of him, wherever it came from. It’s almost like making that mistake was what he needed. Sorry. Not that that justifies it.”

“I know.”

“He really loved you, you know?”

Zoe took a breath, “I know. Way before Connor, any of it…”

“And you? Did you?” Alana’s voice dropped to barely a whisper.

“Did I love him?”

“Yes,” she said almost inaudibly

“I… I don’t know,” Zoe stammered, “I felt a lot of things for Evan but I think a lot of it was rooted in pity, or at least empathy,” she caught sight of Alana’s grimace, “that’s not why I dated him. I did really, really like him. He was so endearing and he seemed so lost. I wanted him to feel found. Maybe that was love but it wasn’t the right sort of love. Not for Evan. Not then.”

“Do you think you’ll ever…”

“Want to get back together,” Zoe finished, “I don’t know. Probably not, not now. Too much has happened. Too much is happening. I don’t know, I think I just felt so guarded for so long, even with Evan. You know, I felt I had to be strong for me and for him but with you, it’s just different. I can just be. ”

“You really feel like that?”

“With you? Yeah. It’s like you know there’s all this stuff but you don’t care and you try to look beyond all of that and that’s amazing.” And she almost absentmindedly but so, so consciously caught the end of one of Alana’s braids and smiled at her, “is this ok?”

“Yeah,” Alana almost breathed back.

“Sorry, it’s rude to just touch someone’s hair.”

“It’s ok. I mean, I kind of like it. And I feel the same around you. Like at High School I was this Type A person always trying to be in the thick of things but always on the outside. And now, spending all this time with you, it’s like I’ve actually found somewhere I belong.”

“That’s pretty incredible,” Zoe breathed.

“I know,” Alana whispered back and she caught a strand of Zoe’s hair and gently tucked it behind her ear, “is this ok?”

“Yeah,” Zoe smiled, “Is this ok?” and she leant in.

“Yeah,” Alana whispered just as their lips met.

***

They awoke the following morning, their limbs entangled in Alana’s twin bed. Zoe smiled sleepily as her eyes opened and saw Alana, “Good morning.”

“Morning,” Alana murmured back.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to stay over,” Zoe mumbled.

“It’s ok,” Alana said, “I’m glad that you did. Shall I get us breakfast?”

“Not yet. I just want to stay here. Forever ideally.”

“That would be perfect,” Alana whispered back and leaned in to kiss her.

Zoe pulled back abruptly.

“Sorry, are you ok?” Alana asked, panic-stricken.

“Yeah. Sorry, “ Zoe said, pulling a face, “I’m just worried I taste gross.”

“You really don’t.”

“If you say so,” and Zoe leaned back in and breakfast was forgotten.

That moment in Alana’s room, when they finally kissed, now felt as if it had been inevitable from that first coffee in Starbucks. It was exciting having a girlfriend even if their routine didn’t change; they still went for coffee and ate pizza in each other’s rooms but everything suddenly felt so much shinier as they took down the last couple of bricks from the barrier that had existed between them.

***

Zoe was at home for dinner, and apart from Alana, for the first time in a while and had graced her parents with her presence, something she was trying to get into the habit of doing. Being with Alana had given her this sudden and unexpected urge to reconnect with the world and that started with her parents. And jazz band.

“Alana’s coming round for dinner tomorrow,” she said between mouthfuls of lasagne.

“Ok, sweetie. I’ll leave you girls money for pizza or whatever,” Mrs Murphy murmured back.

“That’s not what I meant, Mom. I checked the calendar and we’re all here so I’d like for us to have dinner together.”

“Oh ok,” Mrs Murphy said smiling discretely at her husband.

“Sounds good, honey,” Mr Murphy said to both of them, returning his gaze to his phone, quietly smiling to himself.

“That’s great ‘cos I’ve already asked her and, well, there’s something we want to say I just need you to be polite and listen,” Zoe said hurriedly.

“Sounds wonderful. Does she have any dietary requirements?” Mrs Murphy asked as she left for the kitchen.

And the plan was made.

***

“Are you sure this is ok?” Alana asked. They’d met in Starbucks after school, killing time before dinner and now they were outside Zoe’s house.

Zoe reached for Alana’s hand and gave it a squeeze, “It’ll be fine,” she said, “My mom asked about your dietary requirements.”

“And that’s a good sign?”

“Yes. I told them you only eat pizza and cookies,” Zoe grinned.

Alana laughed nervously, “I wouldn’t have thought your parents would be my greatest fan after the project and stuff. I can’t imagine they’re going to be thrilled about this latest development.”

“Trust me, they will be. They’re going to see how happy I am because of you and they’re going to be thrilled,” Zoe said, still smiling.

“If you’re sure?” Alana asked hesitantly.

“And even if they’re not, I won’t let it change anything,” Zoe took Alana’s face in her hands, “I’m crazy about you, you know that.” and she kissed her.

“I’m crazy about you too,” Alana whispered back.

“Good.” Zoe said emphatically, “Shall we?” They headed up the path hand in hand. Zoe let go as they approached, “best not to spoil the surprise,” she whispered and rummaged in her bag for her key.

Her parents ushered them into the sitting room with offers of drinks and small bowls of chips. “Dinner isn’t normally this formal,” Zoe muttered to Alana and they sat awkwardly on one of the sofas. Instead of sprawling across it as she usually would, Zoe found herself sitting bolt upright, consciously checking the gap between her and Alana.

“So Alana, Zoe tells us you’re at the community college,” Zoe’s dad said, handing her a glass of coke.

“Uh, yes. I’m just taking a couple of classes for extra credit before I go away for college next fall. I deferred my start date.”

“Ah ok, sounds like the smart option,” Mr Murphy said, genuinely impressed.

“Alana’s also got a job too. And it’s going well, isn’t it?” Zoe added, turning to Alana.

“Yeah. I mean, anything to avoid those dreaded student loans,” Alana joked.

“Smart and sensible, I like you Alana,” Mr Murphy said, raising a glass to her.

“Really?”

“I mean, Zoe’s been spending all this time with you. You can’t be all that bad,” he said, helping himself to a handful of chips.

“Dad!” Zoe chided.

Zoe’s mom interrupted their conversation by appearing in the doorway, “Dinner’s ready, if you’d like to come through to the dining room.”

They dutifully traipsed through to the next door room which was set out with an elaborate level of formality. Zoe took note of the fancy plates that were laid out and had an unpleasant flashback to the first time Evan had come over for dinner which she quickly squashed.

“Ok Alana, if you sit over here, next to Zoe,” Mr Murphy smoothly directed everyone into their seats as Mrs Murphy arrived with the food.

“This looks delicious, Mrs Murphy,” Alana said.

“Thank-you and please, call me Cynthia,” Zoe’s mom replied as she set the food on the table.

“And I’m Larry,” her dad chipped in

“And I’m Zoe. Shall we eat?” Zoe said, grabbing her fork.

“Yes, let’s,” and Mrs Murphy efficiently dished up the food but her movements seemed tight and over-thought; she allowed Larry to take the lead on the conversation. He asked Zoe about school and jazz band and made jokes about how rarely they saw her. Eventually there was a break in conversation that finally allowed Cynthia to speak, “Zoe, you said there was something you wanted to tell us, or speak to us about?”

“Oh, er,” Zoe lay down her fork.

“Oh god, you’re not pregnant, are you?” her dad joked.

“No, dad. Don’t be stupid,” Zoe said and then allowed a silence to settle over the room.

“Zoe?” Alana prompted.

“Zoe, honey,” Cynthia said, “if it’s that you want to tell us that you and Alana are dating, we already know,” she smiled warmly.

“You, you do?” Zoe spluttered.

“Yes,” Cynthia smiled, “It’s obvious even just how deliberately far apart you sat on the sofa. And before. You’ve been in each other’s pockets and your face lights up whenever you mention her. And we saw you say good bye the other night,” she said, listing everything off, very macter of fact.

“And you didn’t say anything?” Zoe asked.

“We wanted to wait for you to be read. We’re just happy for you. It’s nice to see you… open up more. Right, Larry?”

Zoe was slightly taken aback to see tears in her father’s eyes, “Zoe, you’ve had such a rough time of it for so long and now things seem to be really turning a corner for you and, honestly, that’s all I can ask for.”

“Thanks Dad.”

Mrs Murphy turned to Zoe’s girlfriend, “And Alana? Are you happy?”

“So happy, Mrs Murphy, I mean Cynthia,” Alana said enthusiastically.

“This is so exciting, girls! Now, I’m going to get desert so we can celebrate properly,” she said, standing up and collecting the plates, “So maybe now you can stop hiding in Zoe’s room, or Starbucks, all the time.”

After she’d said goodbye to Alana at the door - a hurried, giggly farewell - Zoe was anxious to get to her room and analyse the success of the evening over text. She was perhaps even more keen to avoid what she knew her Mom was dying to make happen. And there her Mom was, hovering in the door of the living room.

“Zoe, honey, I know you’re desperate to hide back away from us but can you just come in her a moment?”

If it wasn’t for the unparalleled success of the evening, Zoe would have refused but her Mom, and Dad, had been so great so she thought she could tolerate a bit more of their company.

She threw herself on the sofa, reverting back to her sprawl and fought the temptation to check her phone even though it was yet to buzz. Her Dad was also in the living room sat readily on the opposite sofa holding a glass of wine, “so she caught you?” he said as Zoe’s mom sat beside him.

“Zoe,” Cynthia began.

“Yes…” Zoe responded suspiciously.

“We just wanted to say, again, how happy we are for you. Alana seems so great and you just seem… so well-suited.”

“Thanks Mom…”

“I think what your Mom wants to say though is that she, we, hope that this means you’ll stop shutting yourself off,” Her dad joined in, “We’ve noticed that you’ve started spending more time with us like, you know, actually eating meals with us. We’ve had such a rough time as a family but we need to be there for each other. Most importantly, we need to be there for you as we’re your parents but you need to let us be there. And we think you’re starting to do that and, that means everything to us.”

It was now the turn of Zoe to have tears in her eyes, “Thank-you. And I’m sorry for, you know, disappearing. It just seemed easier but I want to change that and I’m so glad you’ve met Alana and you were so great and everything. I really am happy.”

“Now, Alana. How did it happen?”

“Ok, Mom. I’m out. Again, I’m sorry I’ve cut myself off. It just felt like the easiest option but… well, I’m not going to do that anymore. If we’ve learned anything from the past year, it’s that we need each other.”

“Ok. Go and call your girlfriend so you can talk about how wonderful we are.”


End file.
